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Sep. 17th, 2017 06:06 pm
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
[personal profile] sorcyress
So here's a thing.

Back near the start of June, Captain Awkward1 posted a link to the Ingrid Michaelson video "Girls Chase Boys". I'd seen it before, but not in a while, so hell yeah it was time for a rewatch.

And somewhere in the thirty or fifty rewatches I've done this summer, I came to a really striking realization about my sexuality. I feel queer2 or straight entirely independent of the gender of the person I am being attracted towards.

Like, this is probably a pretty logical end result of not having a gender myself. I can't be a lesbian if I'm not a woman3, but I'm also not able to be het with a woman if I'm not a man. Bisexual has served me fine as a term for years now (and queer even moreso). I am content and secure in my attractions4.

But it was a weird moment of clarity when I realized that the attraction I feel for the men in that video is decidedly queer attraction. And weirder still to realize that I can, and often do, feel straight attraction towards men. And continually weird to realize that my attraction towards women can be either queer or straight as well. Like, these are two markedly different feelings for me, apparently. They both have the same root (I want to get romantic and-or sexual with this person because I am aesthetically or otherwise pleased by them) but they feel different.

After some soul-searching5, I determined that a big part of what makes me feel queer vs straight attraction is whether the person I am attracted to is giving out queer vs straight signals. These can be either gender-queer or sexuality-queer, but apparently I save my straight attraction for the hets.

I don't know what to do with all this information. Hell, I don't even know if it's useful information to have, or if the back of my brain has latent transphobia in this regard (many of the attractive trans women I know are some variation of enby, almost all of them are sexuality-queer --I don't tend to feel straight attraction to people who I don't perceive as relatively straight, but would I automatically feel queer attraction to any trans woman, even a straight one?)

But it's a thing my brain is doing, and I like paying attention to those.


1: Captain Awkward is probably the single best advice blog on the internet, and I highly recommend pawing through her archives occasionally. She is better at teaching people how to be adults than just about anyone else, and I try very very hard to behave as would make her happy.

2: "Gay" would also be accurate here, but I very much prefer queer.


4: This is absolutely not true, I'm into a lot of straight men for an enby. The fact that I'm demonstrably more androsexual than gynosexual freaks me out on the regular, because boy howdy, is it hard to actually be "bisexual". But for the sake of this post, let's pretend I feel not-weird about myself.

5: Translation: Looking at a lot of different attractive people for science.

A story in nine tweets.

Sep. 8th, 2017 07:00 pm
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
[personal profile] sorcyress
Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, a girl came up to weird, eight year old, me. (1/9)

"Did you know?!" she began, in that enthusiastic way third graders do "That my dad and your mom were friends in college?!?!?!?!?!!???" (2/9)

I did not know. Mom didn't either. She had lost track of her good ol' brother, and hadn't realized he had been living eight house away (3/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, that same girl and I found out that our birthdays were three! days! apart!!!!! (4/9)

More importantly, we found out that neither of us'd had a birthday party yet that year. Obviously, this needed to be fixed. Together. (5/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of third grade, she and I played together for the first time. Had our first sleepover. (6/9)

Introduced our siblings and our parents. Became friends. Became cousins. Became sisters. (7/9)


Somewhere in the first few weeks of twenty years ago, I met my best friend. (8/9)

I love you, Veronica. (9/9)


Sleeping together, sleeping alone

Sep. 8th, 2017 05:35 pm
sorcyress: checklist of "bisexual kinky polyamorous horny" and ending with "and I'm still not sleeping with you" (bipolyhorny)
[personal profile] sorcyress
About three years ago, give or take a month, Sparr moved away from Boston. At that point, we'd been living together for about a year, and staying in each other's beds1 probably...three quarters of the nights?

So it's been three years, give or take a month, since I had the particular relationship dynamic of sharing a bed more often than not. Everything since then's been feast or famine --long stretches of sleeping alone2 interrupted by having a partner in town for a sudden enjoyable week or two.

("Don't you have a boyfriend in Boston, Kat?" Well yes, Terrapin lives less than ten miles away. But he is married (happily!) to an exceptional woman, and the way our dynamics run, he stays with her most nights. We average about twice a month, and it's awesome, but not what I'm really talking about here.)

I can handle sleeping alone, I really can. I mean, my entire life has been a run towards independence (towards freedom)3, and being able to be happy with myself alone4 is no small part of that.

But I have kissed the same boy at least once every day this past week. I've stayed in his bed and he's stayed in mine (and who knows what'll happen tomorrow). Twice this week, I've woken up alongside a pretty smile and a long lithe body and gotten to tuck them back to bed as I head off to work.

For the first time in three years, I might5 become entangled with someone who I can wake up next to on the regular and oh my _gods_ have I missed it6. I am a feral creature, yes, but I also crave touch7 like water, and waking up in someone else's arms is exquisite.

My life is unfairly exceptionally good right now. I hope I can make it continue.


1: I shared a bedroom for four years of my life in college, and never anytime else. I strongly believe that every person deserves a space of their own, that they can decorate and clutter and have. When poly, this often translates to separate bedrooms, but for god's sakes, at least an office or a sewing room or a workshop or a loft?

(I recognize that the world sucks in multiple directions that make this largely impossible, because fuck you capitalism. I still think everyone should have this.)

2: I mean, I have put exceptional work into having a Fucking Amazing set-up for sleeping alone. Heated blanket under the sheets, weighted blanket above them, and like...so many pillows and other blankets. My bed is awesome and I love it. I genuinely sleep warm all winter long, and that is the _best_.

3: Access to blank pages and no one to judge you for what you put on them, a bicycle and no one to worry if you're home late, a room of one's own where you can shut the door and crank the music and put whatever the hell you want on the walls.

The ability to love who I want, when I want, and largely how I want3a, on terms dictated only by the two of us and no one else.

3a: The flipside of freedom is security, and I am not willing to sacrifice the goodwill of my other partners to truly do Whatever The Hell I Want. Mostly it's risk factors about disease transmission, if you're polyish, you probably know the drill.

4: This is an interesting word to consider, because I have been dating at least one person since the start of January 2008...and at least two people since the end of January 2008. Not necessarily the same people (well, mek), but I've had at *least* two partners for almost ten years now. Often more. I have spent a grand total of 31 days as a single legal adult4a.

I assume I'd be able to be good alone? But I'm not exactly desperate to break it all off and try to be actually single for a change.

4a: Hm, and I think I spent several of them sharing a bed with someone lovely, SO LIKE YEEEEAHHH okay.

5: WORDS MATTER. WRITING THINGS MAKES THEM REAL IN WEIRD WAYS. Or in other words, I can't write that he's my partner without that being confirmed, because I don't want to change the truth of the world without having that conversation with him first.

6: The small things you never forget, like an eyes-still-closed Magus smiling when I bend to kiss him goodbye in the morning.

7: Well, I mean, this is complicated. But if you are a person I actively want to touch, I probably want to be touching you more often than not. I mean, like, I'd happily hold hands with people more often during conversations and stuff, except that's probably Weird.


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